Beginnings-1: Buddha's Mercy and Prakriti's Un-skinning!

'17-'18

Difficult time:

This is one of the most excruciating time in my life.

In life, there will be time when whatever you touch becomes a gold (Midas touch) and another time, whatever you touch becomes failure. This was one such time. 

The time was like when failure comes in search of you, bad consequences from this or past lives haunted me. The time when pennilessness, homelessness, minor accidents, betrayal by all friends was going on. 

I was in Michigan, snow was a big challenge for someone who came from Texas or equatorial countries like India. So, not a great place to be homeless or sleep in car. I was moving from one friend's home to another, some are my batchmates in India and some are newly met bachelors over here.

Eventually, failure hits one after another, when no routine nor some sort of discipline in some field nor some spiritual practice is established, one is most certainly going to travel down to the pit. Some strong force is need to bring him back from the pit.

• Some dig their own pit and jump into it.
• Some are pushed into pit by prakriti
• And for some, it is a combination of both. I belong here. I dug my pit and also prakriti did her share. 

Anxiety Attacks:

When the hand shivers while walking and sitting, then that's the extreme anxiety attack. By now I have seen 2-3 waves of pennilessness, death, other death threats to my family member and all sorts of things, but the Prakriti is now increasing the heat. Somehow, I escaped with lot of scratches but escaped. 

Now, the mental weight is increased. An unknown fear was sunk into head and was eating day by day. Several fears and insecurities due to several failures.

Inner pressure coupled with external pressure was too much to handle. 

Buddha's Influence:

Whenever things go hard, I look at sky looking for some opening to escape. This time, panic attacks happened day after day, hand shiver and the frequency in a day started increasing. My mother's psyche is attracted to pain and trauma and she is habitually inclined to have more panic and anxieties. When I was in her womb, she had endless fears and panics till I was born. All this played out.

To divert the mind from depressive thoughts, I was binge watching Netflix in my friend's house. Any binge watching is a sign of chronic depression lurking behind and one is trying to evade it. I watched 10-12 hours of Netflix, still no relief. Several movies, drama, comedy, nothing alleviated the pain.

Then, accidently, a series on Buddha came. I binge watched it over few days. And then sat to mediate in front of TV.

Just like that, asked nothing. I only wanted to be relieved from the pain. Certain inspiration came to mediate. Downloaded the app and it taught alternate nostril breathing and various techniques in pranayama to relieve stress and anxiety. 

That was one of my first pranayama practices in this life. Mainly did to live another day with less pain. Buddha's energy indeed is to reduce or eliminate suffering, he has always gracious enough to give an helping hand whenever I am immersed in sufferings. 

Prakriti's teaching:

In my case, a strong forces both in the form of Gurus and Prakriti came to uplift me. Prakriti tore and shed my skin into pieces and after this period, my next phase began.

Prakriti kicked my ass so badly, that I wept for the 3rd time in my life. Previous one, was when I was a teenager at the age of 15 due to my family's torture and pressure to appear for some petty exams when I was mentally exhausted and other time was was when my maternal uncles passed away in India who was very dear to me.

Prakriti did not let me stay in one place, she kept me moving from one place to another and living under someone's mercy. I was relaxed as I had enough friends to support me but whimsically Prakriti just made sure no friend wanted me.

I used to be so arrogant, when a word or commitment is given it has to be held at high regard and not back down. This is not a common trait, I have come across very few people in my life with such a trait, but I was stupid enough to expect it from every other person. And only those persons who meet this criteria, I held them as friends or in high regard.

As a limited atma, such drastic vows or commitment with an individual's energy is childish. At one point, all my friends betrayed me step by step and backed down on the commitment of giving me lodging for few days or weeks. I have given or referred them for jobs and lodging too when they came begging to me, when I asked for help, I shooed away like a dog.

At this point, I trusted one friend a lot and even he backed down. He has the same trait as mine but something held him back and he said no. That was unusual, but I knew the Prakriti wanted to tire me out and toss me in a pan. Prakriti's hand was clearly on it. 

I broke down as now I am one step away from homelessness. I never called a person second time or even look at the face of a betrayer. That day, I did not break that vow, Prkariti broke me into several peices. Where is me! Where is vow! Everything is splintered!

I called him and begged my best friend again and again, and he still said no. Now, double stabbing in heart.

And then, punched the ground, thinking to live such a shameless life, it is rather better to die. Death was better than the shamelessness I endured that day. Calling him for second time was a shameful act, getting rejected for the second time was a straight death, no return back. No sound or words, only tears poured profusely for the unbearable shame endured that day.

A common trouble for all people who keep their honor and pride in high regard and guarding them from being broken! Prakriti will make sure it is broken! It is a burden, it is like protecting a glass celling from hail storm.

Miracle happened!

Cried, punching the ground for tearing apart my pride and honor. I was saying my fate, I am one tiny useless shit. Let it happen what is destined to!

Then, suddenly, I was relieved from a chest pain. But the reality was till hard, but muscles in the body was relaxed, felt very light in chest and body and I was looking at the ceiling, thinking what to do next.

Then, all of a sudden, my same friend who rejected me, called and said "take your bag and come to my home immediately". I was like what happened, this is strange, you did a big U-turn.

My friend said " I don't know what I said and why I said that, I was in some influence and can't understand why I spoke like that to you, like a stranger so harsh".

But after I kept the call, some influence want away and realized I spoke to my best friend like that, so I called you immediately"

Now, tears of joy came for me. I said I will come after 2-3 days because of the burns of insults I endured. He realized it from other side, he said better you come or I will come to your place now. Then, went back to him with smiles.

Beautiful incident!

Both the pain and mercy of Prakriti!

Prakriti played her card very neatly from her sleeves to un-skin my pride!

This is school of hard knocks, I deserved to be in that list in the first place! Many people go thru it but not many would un-skin it, I am happy that I was unskinned, at least the first layer, several more layers are beneath it. 

This was just a trailer, there were more volley of open insults failures still coming my way and I was still running from place to place. This just helped me to remove sensitive skin to insults and failures.

When all seemed even darker, then the light came on this special day on January 19, 2018. I will write upon it in coming posts.