Sense of Importance

The need in the psyche to feel some sense of importance is a nuisance. The buddhi intellect produces thoughts and scenarios that mentally manipulate situations to facilitate a feeling of importance. Though the intellect’s direct role is apparent, this need in the psyche appears to stem from an innate insecurity about my position in this existence. From my current purview, complete acceptance that I am insubstantial in the overall scheme of existence seems to threaten my identity.  

Until recent months, I was confident that I displayed some level of humility. But this was just physical, with mental considerations which I deemed as evidence of humility. This estimation did not consider the deep-rooted influences in the psyche. Now I have noticed through sensitivity developed through practice, that the arrogance is deep-seated. It is often recognizable when the psyche is stimulated by certain events. Whenever an event or idea threatens this feeling of importance, the intellect scours the memory chamber for evidence and/or imagines a scenario to reassert this feeling of importance. This often occurs within seconds before I notice the action, then I immediately act to halt the process. 

Examples of this function are when compliments, good remarks or encouragements are offered. There is a subtle satisfaction that is experienced. At times if this is resisted, this satisfaction may be neutralized before it converts to excitation. However, if excitation ensues, then it is experienced depending on the varying level that one is victimized or indulges in it. In addition, this assertion of importance occurs when random or event stimulated thoughts promote the importance of the person and their position in this existence. 

The question of my value in this existence seems to always be lingering in the background. With this insecurity, the need for evidence to provide security, even if it is false, is ever present. Perhaps if I ever develop to a stage where I can realistically and experientially assess the self’s position. Then this need may be relinquished. Until then, I intend to remain observant and aware of these functions whilst maintaining an indifferent attitude towards it. In time, with advancement and reliance on Sri Krishna, I may qualify for some technique or process that is inspired by his grace through one of his agents.