“…how is it that it may change into hard feelings, resentment, or depression?”

I have been labeled cold and heartless by women whom I cared deeply about; however, they resented me intensely since my expression of feelings did not measure up to their idea(s) of love. I was even told that I lack the ability to love by a few which is just insane to me—how do you draw such a conclusion from something that is inherently subjective? I do understand that it has to do with feelings of rejection and the emotions it triggers.

In my early 20’s, I was asked a question by a young lady whom I was basically begging to reconsider a romantic split. After I spilled my guts in that library, she paused and looked deep into my eyes and asked, “why do you want me to do something that is against my will?” That question stopped me in my tracks and it resonated with me deeply! I told her that she was right and I apologized for insisting. That question is, by far, the most profound question that I have been asked as it concerns feelings and romantic desires. It made me face the fact that I was begging this woman to reconsider something that she DID NOT want and I saw that I was being selfish! Why should my happiness to come at the expense of another’s?

After the experience, I thought deeply about the question she posed and my ideas of love which I basically flushed. I decided to own my feelings and not allow them to be a burden on anyone! I freely express what I feel to a partner without a need to hear it back. I found it fascinating each time I observed romantic feelings in my person and I studied these feelings for greater understanding. I am one to study deep emotions to get to the bottom of them— for example, I declared war against the anger at age 16, since I hated the fact that it made me do things which I regretted later.

Now, I must admit that the introspection and experiences have made me into one who is not big on romantic love—I find that it is fleeting (a rollercoaster) so I focus beyond it. My desire is to be steady and I fight against anything that makes me unsteady.