Yogi # 2

Personal Account on Sexual Exposure & Curtailing Masturbation

First Stint with Porn

 I began watching pornography at the ripe age of 7. During this period, I associated with some older males that lived a few houses away from mine. I was the youngest, and the rest of them were about 15years of age and older. These fellas were focused on finding sexual partners and aligning themselves with the male approved activities of the culture. They pursued grown females in the neighborhood and encouraged me to do the same.  We hid in the yards opposite to those females in the evenings and peeked at them in their backyards as they showered. It also involved viewing their forms as they walked through the street, which culminated in a discussion about our varying fantasies. I for one, had attempted sexual activities (fondling sexual organs) with a neighboring female around my age during a playing session. The adults trusted us to be innocent, whilst we capitalized on the isolation during a game of “dolly house.” I continued to fantasize about that day during my childhood.

Within the group of guys, each of us had to provide some value to be accepted. One guy had managed to provide us with cigarettes, and another with pornography and video games etc. One day during a discussion, a fellow notified us that his house would be free of adult supervision during a specific time. My task was to find pornographic content. Immediately, I recalled that my stepdad was in possession of an abundance of pornographic cassette tapes. They all had explicit pictorial labels which I previously discovered out of curiosity. The big day came and after winning approval to leave the household. I stole one of the tapes from his collection, hid it in my pants and excitedly ran over to my friend's home. The evening was a success, and we watched it to our delight. This is my earliest recollection of viewing pornography.

 Discovering Masturbation

Though I viewed pornography at such an early age. As far as I can remember, I did not engage in masturbation during that period. There was an interest in grinding on females if left alone. But I was also overwhelmed by fear and shyness to even approach them. Often, I would run away and hide if they approached me.

Around the age of 12, I was staying with a cousin of mine. The neighborhood kids were predominantly teenagers of varying ages. Kids were very aware of pornography. Especially the fact that it was broadcasted nationally on live television during the late hours when children were expected to be asleep. The grown adults would stay up during these hours to view it. I managed to catch some glimpses whenever we were permitted to watch wrestling shows which aired late at night on Fridays.

During my time there, some older cousins of mine joked about masturbation. I had no idea what it was. But I inquired out of curiosity and the details were explained to me. They were surprised that I was clueless. With this newly found information, I began masturbating in isolation and enjoyed the sensations. From there on I was no longer out of the loop and the right of passage was successful.

 Pressures from Peers

As I aged, on many occasions I was left without adult supervision on the weekends for multiple hours at a time. I would gage the time it took for my mother’s return, and excitedly scrolled the web for my desired categories of porn. The intensity of the orgasmic pleasure was determined by how much the actress and activities aligned with my fantasies. So, I spent a tremendous amount of time fine tuning my search in hopes of intensifying the expression. Often suspending ejaculation until the perfect video was found.

One day I was caught due to a failed attempt at wiping the browser history before my mother’s return. She was appalled by my refined search history and revealed my activities to the family. An uncle of mine was then chosen to enforce my rehabilitation. During the conversation, he informed me of his childhood experiences with pornographic magazines. He believed that it was normal for boys to watch pornography and advised that I avoid being caught in the future. I was obviously relieved by his reaction. Though an insurmountable embarrassment consumed my mind. This did not stop me, but in the masturbation escapades that followed, I sometimes regretted the action and potential consequences after I orgasmed.

In high school, pornography was rampant. We watched it in classrooms, shared it with each other via our cellphones, and people were even selling access to it. It was not only the guys, but the females also got excited about it. Many teenagers had come to learn about it for the first time in this environment. And, if you were not aware of it, you were mocked for being too naïve and immature. It was almost impossible to exit this environment unscathed.

 Events That Led to Curtailing Masturbation

Due to the constant exposure to sexual images since childhood, I longed to experience physical intercourse. However, fulfillment of my desire was restricted due to physical limitations. The obstruction continued until I migrated to a different environment (USA).

 My first sexual encounter lasted mere seconds with a much more experienced female at the age of 18. There was excitement followed by a sense of disappointment. I failed to live up to the fantasies and expectations developed from pornographic media. As a result, I became obsessed with sexual performance. Later, I learned that my performance was linked to premature ejaculation, and it was a consequence of pornography and excessive masturbation.

I became concerned about living up to the sexual standards in society for men and abhorred the idea of being embarrassed for falling short. Any negative feedback carried the potential to ruin the esteem derived from a superb performance. It would have also dampened any efforts to win bragging rights with my male associates. These factors directly influenced my priorities, as it shifted from pleasuring my own physical body first, to pleasuring that of the females whom I engaged sexually with.

As the reader might have surmised by now. My curtailment of masturbation and pornography was not directly influenced by spiritual aspirations. However, regardless of my good or bad motive. The steps I took to reduce the habit thus far may be of beneficial use.

 Actions Taken to Deprive Porn Addiction and Restrain Masturbation Habit

Once I realized that masturbation and pornography would impede my goals, I took immediate action with the intent of eliminating porn from my daily life. I resolved to focus on physical sex; however, I still found myself viewing images sent by females with whom I engaged sexually, and masturbation remained a habit during this period. I believed that masturbation without pornography did not carry any consequences. Nevertheless, I continued to pursue the fulfillment of sexual expression through physical intercourse. While my reliance on traditional pornography dwindled. As a result, I became heavily dependent on a physical partner to overcome my indulgence in porn.

Masturbation itself had become a habit that the body learned during years of indulgence. Thus, I exerted much effort to discipline the physical body whenever urges surfaced. There were instances where I laid on the bed, and the body moved in a way to derive pleasure effects from pressing the genitals against the bedding and/or solid surfaces nearby. Whenever I noticed this, I immediately stopped the action before momentum developed. At other times, spontaneous arousals and an urge to touch the genitals arose. These were mentally ignored and defiantly averted by distracting myself with other activities. Sometimes I became psychically spellbound by a pornographic memory or thought recollection of sexual activities. After being in a daze for some seconds, I would regather my wits and mentally affirm that I would not proceed with the activity.

In summary, my success in curtailing masturbation was achieved over multiple years of restraining the physical body, regardless of the urges that surfaced. Each time I felt pressured to engage in it, I either affirmed that I would not, I distracted myself through other means, and engaged in different physical activities. Additionally, I avoided anything that stimulated the impulse, such as viewing pornography, touching, feeling, and/or playing with the genitals.

Residual Effects of Pornographic Media

Eliminating pornography completely out of my physical life was only a step in the right direction. The initial physical goals were accomplished, and I was satisfied.  However, once my interest shifted to self-reformation. I became dumbfounded by the extent of the damage previously inflicted on my psyche. And the burden that would be carried forward henceforth.

To this day I am afflicted by the imprints which continue to prod and influence the psyche sexually. On the psychic side, the memories influence my subtle body to periodically view pornography in the astral realm. And women are pursued to fulfill previously developed desires and sexual fantasies.

Kapalabhati/Bhastrika Breath Infusion

Recently, I looked at a live pornographic scene in the astral world. As I did so, I felt an urge to ejaculate due to the compelling strength of the sexual attraction. Suddenly, my subtle body applied the anus lock and the kundalini life force energy sprung into my subtle head resulting in blissful energy sensations being felt. By the grace of the breath infusion practice, I was saved from an energy leakage, which may have also triggered the expulsion of seminal fluid from my physical body.

The breath infusion practice continues to facilitate my goal of expending sexual energy in a manner that uplifts my psyche. Thus far, I have found that whenever I felt an incessant desire for sexual expression. The urges faded for multiple days whenever the sexual energy was dispelled during those exercises. Hence, the reason I consider it to be a solution and buffer to my relapsing to the masturbation habits and pornographic media consumption in the physical world.